Archive for July 2015

Minggu, 26 Juli 2015

Yang terkasih,

Halo, sayang. Tidak perlu susah-susah kutanyakan kabarmu, sebab tanpa kamu mengerti, aku mengetahui jauh lebih banyak. Meski kamu berkali-kali menjauhiku, membuangku, membungkamku, kamu takkan paham seberapa besar aku bisa bangkit ketika aku mau.

Perlu kamu ketahui bahwa di detik tepat kamu membaca tulisan ini, kamu masih membuat banyak alasan untuk aku membencimu. Tindakanmu bodoh dan kamu tidak pernah belajar. Maka tulisan ini aku dedikasikan untukmu, untuk mengusir segala kebodohan yang bersarang di kepalamu.

Adalah tepat satu tahun, hari ini, sejak kamu memupuk segala impianmu. Kamu bahkan membeli sebuah buku harian untuk kamu bisa mencurahkan pikiranmu, sarana yang kuketahui sebagai satu-satunya cara untuk kamu lebih jujur kepadaku. Maka kamu guratkan di atas lembaran-lembaran buku itu impian-impian dan komitmenmu. Kamu membacanya berulang kali, lantas matamu berbinar olehnya, lalu kamu berucap padaku dengan lantang, “akan kucapai semua ini!”

Coba ingat sekarang, kapan terakhir kali sejak hari itu, kamu buka buku harianmu?

Selama satu tahun tidak kulewatkan satu haripun melihat tingkah lakumu yang tanpa dedikasi, dengan arogansimu yang setinggi langit. Setiap hari pula aku menggeleng-gelengkan kepala, hampir copot kamu buat.

Duhai, betapa congkaknya dirimu! Bahkan dengan kamu yang tidak ada sepersekiannya di antara kawananmu, masih berani kamu berlaga. Entah kamu yang terlalu menutup mata pada kenyataan, atau memang kamu yang terlalu bodoh untuk mengerti.

Tidak satu haripun kamu bercermin kepada dirimu sendiri. Aku melihatmu bergumam setiap hari bahwa kamu adalah yang paling hebat, bahwa segalanya akan berakhir seperti yang kamu mau. Maka kunanti setiap hari saat-saat kamu kelak akan menghubungiku, berbicara kepadaku, memudarkan sedikit egomu di hadapanku. Tapi kamu tidak, dan aku tetap menanti.

Tentu kamu ingat ketika realita pada akhirnya menelanmu bulat-bulat tanpa belas kasih. Pecah tangismu sejadi-jadinya, sakit dadamu bagai ada bolong di sana. Lalu kamu menghubungiku, sekali, melakukan pengakuan dosa. Kita berbincang, dan kamu melontarkan janji-janji kepadaku, memintaku untuk mengingatkanmu setiap saat.

Tapi bagaimana aku bisa mengingatkanmu ketika kamu terus membungkamku?

Setelah beberapa hari terlewati, kamu akhirnya menemukan cara untuk menyembuhkan lukamu dan kembali menumbuhkan semangatmu.

Tapi kebahagiaanmu yang berlimpah itu membungkamku, dan kamu lagi-lagi tidak mendengarku. Biar aku berseru, berteriak, menjerit; kebahagiaanmu yang kamu temukan ini menyumbat telingamu. Maka kamu kembali ke perangaimu yang busuk. Yang mengantarkanmu kepada bencana. Yang digelapmatakan kamu olehnya, oleh kebahagiaan dan kepuasan fana.

Perlu kamu tahu, sayang, aku menyayangimu.

Perlu kamu tahu, sayang, aku di sini untukmu.

Maka dengarkan aku—yang sudah tidak tahan melihatmu menderita di akhir- ini.

Sadarlah bahwa untuk mencapai segala keindahan, kamu perlu pengorbanan. Pengorbanan adalah usaha. Kamu tidak akan berusaha apabila persepsi di kepalamu mengatakan kamu paling hebat—terlepas dari kenyataan apakah hal tersebut benar atau tidak. Ada langit di atas langit, ingat bahwa kamu bahkan tidak pantas berdiri di atas tanah atas kemampuanmu yang bukan apa-apa.

Aku harap setelah ini kamu menghubungiku sesering mungkin, dan kita akan lebih sering berbicara. Catat bahwa aku ingin kamu jujur padaku; walaupun tanpa kamu harus bilang, aku sudah pasti tahu.

Yang selalu mengawasimu,

Nurani.

Aku adalah yang paling dekat denganmu. Menempati ragamu, mengawasimu. Kini aku angkat bicara tanpa kamu minta, maka dengarkanlah.

Spending most of my time being unproductive by staring at ask.fm timeline finally gives its privilege.

Some people I follow talked about this video, and triggered by my curiosity, I clicked the link:

It is clear that most girls all over the world are having quite hard time to deal with society regarding to their appearance. We’re all living in the society where there is standard to consider beauty (the existence itself cringe me, like, how dare we human to make standards of ‘appropriate’ appearance when all of us are born equally?), and there are certain consequences for not fulfilling it: get bullied, insulted, and neglected.

Since I have never paid much attention to make-ups, I didn’t see how it is able to bring such difference to someone (for this case, girls). I thought the function is only to make you a bit prettier by giving some more shades and colors to particular parts of your face –apparently it is much more than that. It totally changes your look! In higher levels of make-up, you are able to express yourself and change your look to what you want people to see.

And there should be nothing wrong about it.

Some people insult a girl with make-up saying she’s fake, too much, liar.

But when she doesn’t use any, people call her gross, disgusting, yucky, and foul, for showing her pale skin and acne.

What the fuck is wrong by trying to cover up flaws and boost our confidence for that?

Every person was born with flaws. Some are capable to deal with it, some other are not and get depressed with it. Every person has their own insecurities regarding to their body, whether it is inborn or made by something inevitable (like allergic, disease, or accident). Conquering insecurities is a big deal. Insecurities born if one isn’t confident about his/her own self. Being that said, insecurities comes from within, it is the lack of self value. With the circumstance of society nowadays, it is quite hard for some people to feel okay about themselves. Not all people are blessed enough to have physical appearance that is fit to the standard of society of the ‘beauty’ or to –at least, get rid of their flaws (take notes that curing chronic acne in beauty clinics IS NOT cheap).

Speaking of insecurities, I too, have my own story.

Perceived by my surrounding as someone who is easy-going, loud, talkative, fierce, tough (or even hostile, sometimes by certain people) indirectly constructs a supposition of my character that is not actually true: confident. People somehow assume I am pretty okay with how I look like in the eyes of society.

The thing is, I am not, and being insecure about my own self is devastating and I have yet to find way to get this feeling out of my mind.

Since I was a kid, about ten years ago when I was started to understand what are people talking about, it was (well, –has been) common in my big family to joke around and that time, I happened to be one of the objects. I was (--have been) always compared to my younger sister who was destined to born with prettier face than me. Seeing all people laugh made me forced myself to laugh with them together and so they assume ‘no one gets hurt’. In fact, I did. Did I cry? No, it was stupid to cry because what would happen was so predictable: I would be insulted MORE. What can I do to make them stop? Nothing. Even though I was smart, yes, the entire of my big family acknowledged it and of course it gave me a lot favors. Got some gifts, prices, cashes, and at least compliments –but there’s no way out of the insult I got for not being as pretty as my sister.

Even an aunt once said, “The only good thing about your face is you are fair skinned, the rest are so-so, hahaha” (“Mukamu kan cuma menang putih, sisanya biasa-biasa aja, hahaha”) And the words remain still in my head, refusing to leave.

In front of my family, I act like I am the most confident bitch alive: Saying I feel I am pretty, I feel I am gorgeous, when in fact, it was me pretending to be strong. Up until now, no one knows how each of the words they spit to insult me was lingering in my mind and how it feels like knifes to my heart.

There wasn’t actually something really wrong with my face, only my nose is not sharp. I was skinny, fair skinned, my skin was smooth, no acne or pores, I have black shining hair, but my face can’t be considered as beautiful –it’s just ordinary. Super ordinary. Not the kind of girl whose presence will stun everybody around.

As the idea of “I am not beautiful” and all the insecurities overwhelmed my mind, I started to refuse when someone compliment me, saying I’m beautiful. My heart was like, dude, you kid me? I know how ugly I look like, and you, stupid liar, should stop making up thing that doesn’t exist.

However, thanks to my family that those experience taught me to not being too sensitive (people nowadays are easily offended, aren't they?). After all, I gradually getting used to their jokes and as the time goes, I learnt to close my ears and just laugh. Sure it wasn’t an easy endeavor.

[My family is the best, nevertheless. Beside joking about physical appearance, the rest are wicked and having a quality time with them without getting your stomach hurt for too much laugh is impossible. It just, the joke they made for me were started too early, when I was too much younger. I guess.]

Once I got to the fourth grade of elementary school, my circle changed and I was close to famous girls in the school. I was one of them, though, I shined because of my achievements and how I could easily socialize with kids, not my face. I was overshadowed, and no boys really looked at me (some did though, Alhamdulillah).

I didn’t like to be photographed as much as the girls, because I was afraid I would be ashamed when my face in the picture turned out to be ugly. (Except selfies because I know how my face would be in the picture, but back then, phone with front camera was quite expensive and I couldn’t afford it)

And then I got to junior high school where everything got worse (nah, not really): ALL THE GIRLS WERE GODDESSES. Damn, I won’t get highlight here, I thought, and it turned out to be true. (However, I did experience some lovey-dovey story during junior high school; again, Alhamdulillah my face is a little bit qualified to be loved). On my last year in 8^th grade, after a long vacation to Jogjakarta, the worst nightmare ever exist hit me: I was getting fat. A LOT. A LOT…

My legs are big, I have wide calves and ankles. To make it worse, I am short. Great.

And oh, of course by that I was insulted by my family because my younger sister was tall as her height was the same as mine.

Despite the fact that I am getting a bit skinnier during my first year of high school, I still dislike my body. I missed my skinny body. Again, to make it worse, two huge dark eye-bags hanging under my eyes and it seem awful (but I’m currently learning to love it because in some cases it looks sexy!) (nah, no. It was just me trying to love myself.)

Throwing back at my photos when I was younger, I wasn’t actually that ugly. I hate myself for not believing how pretty I was back then! Seriously, me when I was younger is quite beautiful, and if allowed, I really want that face my entire life. Who cares if I wasn’t as beautiful as the other girls? If I realized back then how I should be grateful on the appearance God has gifted, I would be pretty confident.

Up until now, the insecurities remain still in my mind in different form. My current body is the most thing I’m not satisfied: wrinkles, dark spots, acne, cellulite, pores, hair loss, and fat. See? My body is a whole pack of flaws. Not everyone knows I actually put much attention to these (they think I am the kind of girl who’s not giving sufficient attention to appearance and how people see myself)

People will judge anyway and that’s life. I learnt that insecurities come from within, and I learnt that it could be a big deal to make fun of one’s flaw. I admit that I am such a huge douchebag: I like to tease who’s close to me regarding to their flaws. But realizing that even closest people can hurt you like I experienced, I aware that start from now, I need to control myself to don’t make fun of someone.

You, too.

Yes people are all free to speak out our opinions loud, including those who offend girls with make-up by saying they are fake and too much. Not to say the chance of us, girls, to be insulted by our natural face is also as big as when we wear make-up. They’ll say our bare face is ugly, gross, pale, zombie like, yadda yadda yadda. Even though make-up is not only the issue, but it is the easiest to draw the simpler circumstance on how we live in society where everything we have done will be judged.

It is entirely not one’s fault to not being flawless.

Please acknowledge that human comes with flaws sticking on them. Please ponder that none of human ever exist can choose the way they were born. Please aware that you can hurt people with the blunt comments you give. Please understand that deep inside, everyone desire to be liked.

image credit: favim.com